Haunting Modern Poetry

They won’t admit it, but most literary circles realise that poetry is a dying art form. A recent survey of 100 sixth form students confirmed that only 24% had heard of T.S. Elliot, Johan Wolfgang von Goethe, Jack Kerouac or Philip Larkin. Although almost half had heard of Dylan Thomas, most mistakenly believed him to be a dead American folk singer.

Despite this, the UK poetry scene is enjoying a renaissance. Many hip young writers are shunning prose for opaque literary works that blend speculative euphony and post modern formalism with classical Haiku and traditional Tanku. With a contemporary twist.

Alabama ‘Bam Bam’ Tuesday has recently published her first anthology No Hurt, Yes Hurt to great critical and commercial acclaim. This twenty year old from south London is the face and voice of a new generation of poets, or poetistas as they prefer to be known. The Twisted Web was lucky enough to spend some time with Alabama at a poetry convention near Blackburn, and she kindly agreed that we could publish one of her favourite poems, Naked On The Landing.

Inspired by The Boy With An Orange, Alabama spent ten months crafting Naked into a loud, yet brooding, explosion of internalised rage. Her use of language is finely judged. Simple, almost infantile at times, it never alienates the reader, always drawing you closer into her unsettling worlds.

Be part of the poetistas fightback and share your poems right here at The Twisted Web. And if you would like to learn more about Alabama’s work simply post a comment below and we will ensure that it is brought to her attention.

In the meantime, please enjoy the haunting urgency of Naked On The Landing.

 

I’d rather get fucked in the face,

Dear old mummy often says,

When daddy says he’s going to treat her,

Belly full of warm wife-beater.

 

For fourteen years this pit’s been home,

Pebble dash and garden gnomes,

Stinking cabbage, never nice,

Porno mags and carpet lice,

 

Are not the worst as Imran knows,

But bullies bloodying his nose,

With fists and boots and apparatus,

Forced wanking contests on the late bus.

 

Nan says book-learning’s not worth shit,

She couldn’t read but always nailed it,

Maths and French; the learning cup,

Imran smashed his bedroom up.

 

They always said he was a chancer,

Like Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, Dancer,

Standing naked on the landing,

Anticipating water’s hot sting.

 

Pint of vodka,

Lemonade,

Now to find that razor blade.

 

 

 

The Russian Masters

Two lovers of nineteenth century Russian literature spend idle moments debating the work of their heros.

 

‘No, I wouldn’t say it’s love. More like a deep appreciation of the Russian masters. I got almost to the end of Crime and Punishment once, at only the second attempt.’

‘So you’re more of a Kafka man?’

Don’t be barbaric Derekhe’s not even Russian…’

‘Indeed.’

‘You’re right though in a way. Most critics agree that Kafka is more comedic than the Russians. As with Shakespeare or Faulkner, his natural humour constantly counterweighs and intensifies his overarching sense of lost hope.’

‘I concur. In fact, now you mention, it I’d go so far as to assert that his humour humanizes our own fated intimacy with what is grave by permitting life’s fullest, most actual, context to be brought into view even as it points us to an approved method of acceptance.’

‘Not everyone would agree with that analysis old boy.’

‘Oh come off it Richard, have you read The Trial recently? Imagine consulting a bed ridden attorney! No wonder Joseph K was knifed to death for no reason.’

‘Hmmmm, I see your point now. Although I don’t mind admitting that the penultimate chapter, In The Cathedral, gave me nightmares. And at the end as K dutifully awaits execution and reflects “Where was the Judge whom he had never seen? Where was the High Court to which he had never penetrated?” A provocative plea by which we sense that K’s suffering may yet extend infinitely.’

‘Yes, if nothing else Kafka had an extraordinary narrative and descriptive skill whilst still bringing to his task a visionary insight, a romantic verve and a grasp of human character that seemed uniquely his own.’

‘Now I must disagree. That sounds as though you are describing Nabokov…’

‘Hey, Dick, chuck us down an ‘ammer!’ demanded a new voice.

Richard peered over the scaffolding to his colleague three floors below. ‘I’m on me fuckin’ tea break you cunt!’

‘Fuck you then, I’m tellin’ the governor…’

Derek rubbed his hard hat and urged Richard to sit back down. ‘It’s like something out of Chekhov round here sometimes isn’t it. His later work that is.’

‘And look what happened to him!’

‘Tuberculosis?”

‘Yes, like the lot of them. Except Dostoyevsky. It was emphysema and epilepsy what saw him off,’ explained Richard as he hurled a heavy mallet in the general direction of his colleagues who were now watching a rusted cement mixer spin round and round.

The Daniel Radcliffe Interview

Daniel Radcliffe is currently doing the rounds promoting his new movie The Woman In Black. We were lucky enough to catch up with the little wizard and the best bits of our imagined interview are set out below.

 

Twisted Web: Do you bear a grudge like your character in The Woman in Black?

Dan Radcliffe: I certainly do. When I was eight the deputy head of my school told me I was stupid. Okay, I was a late bloomer when it came to science and maths. And English and history and stuff like that. But to be fair I’m the one with £60m in the bank and he’s probably dead so who’s laughing now? And I know we were just bonding but, looking back, part of me didn’t appreciate it when Rupert and Emma and most of the cast used to lock me out of my trailer and shoot me with water pistols and throw eggs at me. I can laugh about it now though. Luckily I was always very pissed so it never bothered me. But it’s all cool now.

TW: We’re sorry your teacher was mean to you.

DR: Don’t worry, as soon as I told my mum she marched round there and gave the headmaster what for. I was expelled a few days later and never saw the deputy again.

TW: In your new movie you play a widower with a four year old son, but you’re only 22. Will you be convincing?

DR: I did a lot of preparation for that role. My good friend Chris Bale said you’ve got to live the part, so I spent a lot of time hanging out in school playgrounds observing the interaction between adults and the young kids. Mum says I totally captured the essence of being a middle aged parent. That makes me so proud. I loved the whole experience and one day I hope to find a girlfriend and have children of my own.

TW: Have you had any supernatural experiences?

DR: Yes. I see cats mostly, they come to me in my dreams and advise me about my career. That’s one of the reasons I did the whole Broadway thing with tortured horses.

TW: Do you worry that people will still be saying ‘there’s Harry Potter!’ even when you’re 60?

DR: Who cares? That gig got me £60m in the bank and means I don’t have to deal with real life like you lot.

TW: Are you relieved Harry Potter is over?

DR: Totally. I can truly say all those films were pretty terrible. Look at the early movies. Shocking production values and the special effects were laughable. I remember spending days on end in my trailer watching Rupert and Emma laughing with their accountants and most of the the cast about the clumsy scripts. That really sums it all up.

TW: Who did you learn the most from working with?

DR: I was blown away by Rob Coltrane. He’s a fearless actor who almost always proves his critics wrong. And Al (Rickman) was always the practical joker on set. He’s a wonderful mimic and usually had everybody in stitches with impressions of me. I love that guy.

TW: What’s the most unusual place you’ve been recognised?

DR: I’m a big fan of mixed martial arts. I go to as many cage fights as I can, the atmosphere’s awesome with really cool banter. Whenever I’m recognised the crowd always end up shouting jokes about getting me in the cage for a bout to the death. That’s very humbling.

TW: Is taking your clothes off on stage a liberating experience?

DR: Being on Broadway with everybody filming me on their phones as I work through a scene about sexual failure and horse blinding is a feeling I can barely describe.

TW: You’re reportedly worth £57m. Why do you still work?

DR: It’s closer to £60m actually and I’ve learnt that wealth brings responsibility. It’s amazing how my family and their friends, and their relatives and their friends and even total strangers all have such valid reasons for wanting loans from me. I’m lucky though because my mum manages all my finances, and like she says, £60m isn’t as much as you think so I’ve got to keep the show on the road.

TW: Does having your mum as a financial adviser put a strain on your relationship?

DR: I’m blessed. My mum is the only person I’d ever trust to handle all my investments. So far she’s invested in a fantastic house set in seventy acres of woodland. She even lives in it so I don’t have the bother of looking after it. She’s also invested in lots of cars that she keeps at the house, a yacht that she maintains and a fantastic art collection. And she’s bought into the usual things like jewellery and rare handbags, to broaden my portfolio. She’s always travelling round the world, researching new investments for me. It’s awesome that she was willing to give up her own career at the local council to do all that for me. She’s my hero.

TW: Do you have any ambitions left?

DR: To have a girlfriend?

The Great Climate Change Hoax

This ‘animation’ provides an insight into high-level international politics. Two world leaders talk openly about the great ‘climate change’ hoax and the importance of propaganda to control the unthinking masses.

Readers of The Daily Mail will no doubt be horrified. I mean, they’ve bought into ugly multi-coloured dustbins (that fine you if your rubbish is the wrong type), energy bonkers lightbulbs that emit no light, collapsing bicycles that block up train carriages and battery powered cars (that derive power from fossil fuels). They also take shorter (and colder) showers, only bath (in cold shallow water) once a month and even go on protest marches.

Of course, none of this stops them driving to ‘out of town’ super-malls, supporting new runways and increased air traffic, having a TV in every room and an X Box for every child. Yes, this makes them pious hypocrites, but only because they believe the propaganda in the first place. Their real flaw is a trusting nature.

Well, now it’s time to face the truth. It’s time for independent thought to prevail. Listen to these fictional cartoon politicians-they will blow your mind. In a good way.

Flash Fiction: The Truth

photoI always thought that ‘flash’ fiction was a story of any length involving pimps wearing gold teeth, driving Bentleys and impressing the ‘ladies’ with their gold plated Magnums. Disappointingly, according to Wikipedia, ‘flash’ fiction is actually a style of fictional literature of extreme brevity. Some say a word count of up to 1,000 words qualifies, but most purists agree that the upper limit should never exceed 300 words.

George Orwell’s third rule of writing is ‘if it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.’ Writing flash fiction will help develop the skills to ensure that you comply. Why not give it a go?

Here is an example called New Beginning which runs to about 290 words.

My view improved when the guard raised me above his head and displayed me to the armed multitude. Time was limited. I worked my muscles into a grin and concentrated on my eyelids, determined to keep them open to the last possible moment.

I felt no sadness as I tried to recite the psalms that I had read during the two hour coach ride to the Place de Louis XV. My tongue moved, but in my newly diminished form I generated no sound. The horsemen, who had numbered twelve hundred as they escorted my carriage to this place, had joined the pack. Beyond the scaffold I saw the cannons and drummers, and everywhere people waving their pikes and guns, some seemingly in a state of rapture. And I realised that the beating drums and barbarous cries, that moments earlier had been so terrifying, were now almost inaudible.

The guard lowered me so as to be level with his eyes. He stared at me making indecent gestures with his tongue. I was powerless to avoid the the jet of saliva that he fired into my face and then his fingers gouged my scalp as he lifted my head to the grey sky. I sensed that I had but seconds left as I felt, or imagined, cold January rain striking me.

Marie and my my children were in my thoughts as the guard turned so that I faced my remains. I was still on all fours, blood flowing from the stump between my shoulders. My blood also coated the axe that had been raised into the scaffold. I was no longer master of my eyes, my smile rigid. I thought once more of the psalms, sensing a new beginning.

The Famous Evelyn Waugh Interview

 I am pleased to share this wonderful animation of Jersey J Tennessee’s famous interview with Evelyn Waugh. Evelyn discusses his Oxford days, capital punishment and provides literary advice to ‘budding’ authors. The result is a fascinating insight into the maestro’s state of mind as it was between between 1953 and 1960.

Click play, sit back and enjoy.

Recipe for Perfect Scrambled Eggs

One question I’m asked more than any other during this festive holiday season is egg prettiesabout my recipe/technique for making perfect scrambled eggs. I have researched this subject exhaustively over the years and am happy to share the results right here at The Twisted Web. Scrambled eggs are a real joy, and this dish is based on a recipe inspired by the great American chef, Hossthor Johhannahssohn. I’ve changed the recipe slightly to make it easier for keen amateurs to prepare, but don’t worry, the result is still an explosion of complex egg flavours on the tongue. Happy scrambling!

The following recipe serves two adults.

1) You will need a large, clean, copper pot, ceramic bowl or clay ‘basin’ for best results. Take 6 large (white) AA organic (free range) eggs and, using a hunting knife, crack them into the pot, bowl or ‘basin’. Remember, if some shell splinters into the mix you should leave it as this adds both flavour and texture.

2) With the eggs in tact add a pint of full fat free range milk and 4 dessert spoons of good quality cooking sugar (try the excellent range of cooking sugars from Dante Cruyp, available in the UK from most local deli counters).

3) Add a quart of a knob of butter straight into the mixture. Then warm another quart in a Qwok until molten and drizzle the golden fluid over your egg ‘broth’.

4) Now beat the mixture using a wooden hand-held ‘finger’ whisk (remembering to avoid bruising the eggs) until the yolks break. Then let the eggs marinate with the broth for several minutes before adding 2 or 3 lashes of French Brandy, although a good quality cooking Sherry also produces marvellous flavour. Some chefs add brown flour at this point, but the majority view is that this inhibits maximum flavour development. I therefore advise against adding flour to scrambled eggs, but if you must then ensure you use good quality free range flour.

5) Continue beating the mixture until it runs smooth with the consistency of diluted syrup. Pour your egg mix into a suitable container and pop it in a 1000 mW microwave and cook it on a ‘defrost’ power setting for 7 to 12 minutes (please adjust timings accordingly for different power outputs). Remember, the golden rule is to cook your eggs until they are ‘Hot n Hard’.

6) Once perfectly cooked I always dice my scrambled eggs into cubes whilst letting them cool before serving with a sprinkle of Italian cheese and pepper. You can also add a slug of olive oil to bring some ‘shine’ to your hard egg cubes to give them that ‘restaurant quality’ appearance.

Delicious!

 

Funk Moonbeam’s Euro Rock Odyssey

Funk Moonbeam’s Euro Rock Odyssey is a serialised account of a Swiss musician’s sorry life. Funk was born in Verbier (Switzerland) in 1990 and left school at 14 before spending several damaging years as a goat herd. During those dark days his uncles regularly comforted him, but the emotional brutality of mountain farming pushed Funk into a life of petty crime and drug abuse. His future looked hopeless until he met Ace La Rouge and Tiff Pennisbrith. From the wreckage of Funk’s life an old fashioned kick-ass rock band was formed and now it’s time to tell the tale.

 

Part One: Everything’s New Tomorrow

Sunday

Sweet baby Mary, Peter and Judas, it’s all closing in on Funk Moonbeam. I’m scribbling this blog from a jail cell on my mobile and boy did I suffer sneaking that phone in.

Here’s the deal, less than an hour ago I was in the studio laying down some nasty new mixes for my band’s first album (Magnolia Glock), feeling fine and chewing on a reefer when, as God is my witness, a battalion of cops stormed in with full riot gear, pumping warning shots into the roof. I went for the biggest pig out of instinct, but four of the others beat me to my knees with their rifles. Then the mescaline fully kicked in, Snore This Way was rocking my JBL’s, the feds let off some more shots, I realised that I was naked and, oh sweet Ghandi and Joan of Arc my mother showed up with her cardigan gaping so the feds could grope her and then Ace arrived and I went turbo and bit through my tongue and lips to make a lot of blood to shut them all up and stop the pigs from killing me…

Tuesday

I am sharing this cell with a 300 pound Samoan who claims to have been a hotshot attorney in the seventies. He’s the kind of cool guy who prefers to lounge around in the nude (even though it’s like minus 6) and I gotta say, for an obese eighty-something he looks kinda good. His legal practice was mostly in South America and California (acting for the big record lables) before the cops bust him bad style, but that hasn’t stopped him counselling me non stop since I arrived.

No-one will say what my crimes are but the Samoan reckons I’d get bail if only I new how much the bail might be. Or had some money. What keeps me going, as I sit knee to knee, or lie shoulder to shoulder with the giant hairy-ass lawyer is my music. I sing my new track, Snore Bitz, in my head. Sometimes I sing out loud and the Samoan hugs me and says everything’s gonna get straightened out. Even so, I’m gripped by a brutal terror and I may have to leave the band because Ace and Tiff have abandoned me to rot with the leeches.

Friday

After what feels like a week in the cooler I spend most days watching roaches climb the walls. Until this afternoon, when Ace La Rouge got her sequinned ass round to visit and blew my mind with her twisted news.

That babe has a voice like a bee on the petal and performed all the lead vocals on our album. She’s also a private dancer, a dancer for money and any old music will do…because it pays better.

Anyway, she told me that Tiff was leaving the band to join his father as a ski instructor. Man, that hit me hard. Tiff Pennisbrith is our drummer and as she broke the bad news I could barely understand her because she was off her tits on White Widow. And ether. She kept on about that shit storm in Zermatt some months back saying Tiff ain’t never gonna forgive me for what happened. Then, after all the doom she got round to telling me that she’d sorted the cops out and that they were gonna drop the case against me. But I might have got that wrong because I was hardly listening. All I know for certain is that she’s put Magnolia Glock on an ipod for me (which hurt even more than when I smuggled my mobile phone into the cell).

I was glad to get back to the cell and compose myself. The Samoan cried when he listened to my album (once I’d retrieved the ipod from its hiding place and wiped it down). He agreed that Ace had a unique vocal style and the raw emotion of Snore This Way almost broke his heart. He later confessed that it reminded him of the first time he took adrenochrome. We discussed this for a very long time and I fell into a depression that brought flashbacks of my lonely years in the mountains.

The Samoan has digestive issues and the sounds and smells that filled our cell tonight will haunt me to my dying day. Normally I’d have beaten any man who performed such acts in my presence, but the Samoan has got a plan that could change my life. I might be out of this swill ridden joint tomorrow and the giant attorney has sworn to lay it all on me in the morning.

Until next time…

 

 

Car Crimes Against Humanity

Here is a short story set in future times when the great global warming swindle has evolved to cause suffering and injustice. Enjoy.

 

I felt like slitting my wrists as I gazed through my office window to the river beyond. Many stories below, a broad avenue was baking in the fierce sunlight. Although until recently this grand thoroughfare had teemed purposefully, now it was deserted except for the occasional clatter of hooves.

Even though it was Sunday, and even though my children were not yet old enough to understand, I was now slightly less at odds with the stricter energy rationing that had forced my working practices to change. I had explained this in detail to my dear wife on many occasions, but she found adapting to the currently fashionable political ideas almost impossible. Naturally, I did not enjoy having to work seven days each week to accommodate the latest rules. However, I knew that in time some new entity would rise to prominence and declare those rules as false; the only true source of concern, therefore, was how long that wait would be and whether, when change inevitably arrived, the new rules would be even harsher.

In the meantime, my problem was that as an architect I need quality light. A steady, clear illumination such as on a day like today, rather than the unreliable flicker of a candle. Like most I had experimented in the early days, hoping to preserve my old routines and work outside the hours of daylight; but even a room filled with candles had proven to be unsuitable for my professional requirements. In fact, notwithstanding the growing body of expert opinion to the contrary, a flame’s constant motion always left me feeling nauseous and ill-tempered.

As I reflected on the fact that my boys now stayed in bed, rather than wave me off with a kiss each morning, I was distracted by the sound of a car. I immediately hopped from my chair, throwing open the great sash window for a better view. After a minute or two I spotted it. A black car, carrying only the driver, was crawling along the tarmac. Its pace was so slow that I had time to mix a cold Manhattan. By the time I returned to the window with my cocktail the car was almost beneath me; so close in fact that I could make out the driver’s moustache.

I glanced away from the car only because I heard some shouting. On the pavement, a male and female were throwing punches at each other. The man was dressed in the undyed fabrics that were now the standard attire of people of modest status. From  my vantage point the female appeared to be much younger, at least judging by her infantile physique. She referred to herself as Nancy and was making her point most forcefully, bringing herself close to tears whilst clawing his neck. Some coins flew from the man’s hand and Nancy dropped to her knees to collect them as though claiming a debt. Once free of her grip the man stumbled about, kicking his feet and waving his fists. After scooping up all the cash, Nancy clambered to her feet letting fly with comments about the size and functionality of his genitalia plus allegations about his sexual orientation, inadequate personal hygiene and inability to hold his booze. In response, the man spat, unsheathed his sword and charged at the childish female who easily side-stepped her attacker and, as he blundered past, shoved him in the back thereby hurling him onto the road.

I leant out of the window as far as I dared, but the point of impact was hidden by the branches of a tree. Nancy’s screams and the yelping brakes left me fearing the worst. By the time I arrived on the pavement both man and car were motionless in the road. A crowd had already gathered. At its centre Nancy appeared distraught, pushing the people away and hissing for all she was worth.

“She’s in shock! Look how she fights us. Come now dear, let us comfort you,” said a tall gentlemen who seemed to be the leader. He tried again to put his arms round Nancy, but she misinterpreted this kindness and clawed at this face.

“Have you sent the boy?” shouted someone from the road. “We need to get the police here now, I don’t know how long I can restrain him!”

I skirted the crowd and ran into the road looking for the man. In front of me was the driver with his head forced against the bonnet of his car and his arm pulled high up his back by a man called Simon. Some feet away from the car the man lay motionless. The crowd had decided leave him for the medics, presumably for fear of worsening his injuries.

Simon’s grip must have been strong because the driver began crying. “He came from nowhere! I wasn’t going fast, he came from nowhere!”

“Not going fast! It was like you had murder on your mind,” shrieked a new voice as Simon again called for the boy to bring the police. “I saw the whole thing and as the Lord is my witness you were going well over twenty.”

The crowd roared with horror.

“For the love of God what were you thinking?”

“Over twenty!”

“Murderer!”

Just as I was about to make myself heard over the din Nancy made a run for it.

“Grab her, she’s traumatised. The poor baby needs help. The police will comfort her, give her a hot meal,” declared the tall gentleman.

Three obliging men gave chase and soon returned with Nancy who was now red faced and crying uncontrollably. They left her in the care of a burly woman called Bessie who began comforting her. In the meantime the three men stood guard in case Nancy tried to flee again.

After almost an hour the crowd, which was now over forty strong, grew impatient. In the circumstances I doubt that I was the only one to feel relieved when, at long last, there was a shout from one of the lookouts followed by a great cheer as two policemen cantered into view.

“The boy got through, the boy did it!” they all sang and clapped.

Simon was so relieved that he loosened his grip allowing the driver to stand upright and rub the swelling around his left eye.

The tall gentleman strode into the road and flagged the policemen down. The senior officer, who held the rank of sergeant, reigned in his panting mare and jumped off.

“Officer, there he is, by the car. My friend has detained him pending your arrival.”

“What is all this?” asked the sergeant, pushing people off him because he needed room to pull on his high visibility jacket. “What’s occurring?”

“That ‘man’ has driven his car at such a speed as to make it nothing short of a weapon. No less dangerous than the bullets in your rifle or the blade in your sheath.”

“He was doing more that twenty, we witnessed it, we saw it first hand!”

“More that twenty?” queried the officer, now appreciating the gravity of the crime. He signalled to his colleague, who dismounted and (after successfully donning his high visibility jacket) ran towards the driver brandishing his cuffs.

At this moment I fought through the throng so that I was close enough to make myself heard. “Sergeant, I must speak with you. My name is Martin Verity and I work in that office,” I began, pointing to my window that was still open. “I saw the entire incident. I can tell you this much, that car was going no more than ten. At the most! That woman,” I said, now pointing at the wretch in Bessie’s loving arms, “pushed the victim into the road. The driver had no chance.”

“A victim you say? What is all this?” asked the sergeant who was being overpowered by the weight of people closing in to listen.

“There sir,” I shouted, forcing myself through with an enormous shove, using my shoulder and arms to clear a path.

“Ah, I see…has someone called for an ambulance?” asked the sergeant, wiping his sweaty brow with his silk riding glove.”

“We sent the boy for the ambulance as soon as he found you. I hear they are on their way.”

“They’re held up in the city centre,” called one of the lookouts, “by the buses. Apparently the buses have all stopped and nothing can get through.”

“So be it,” said the sergeant as we both bent down to inspect the man.

We immediately recoiled at the powerful stench of alcohol seeping from him as he started making a terrible moaning sound.

“What is all this?” asked the tall gentleman peevishly. “The driver’s over there. Come sir, let’s bring this to an end. And please make sure you tend to the victim’s daughter, she’s in a terrible condition being comforted by Bessie.”

“But she threw him into the road, I saw it,” said I, fighting off the arms that gripped and tugged.

“Liar! He’s a liar!” boomed the crowd. “Why does he accuse a poor girl, she can’t be much more than thirteen, look at how she weeps…”

I was taken aback by the stern look that the sergeant gave me. Without another word he stormed towards the driver and waved his colleague aside with a look of menace.

“I was driving carefully, I know the rules, there was nothing I could do,” pleaded the driver pre-emptively.

At this a diminutive lady burst from the masses, fell to her knees and introduced herself as Bernadette. “I was the first on the scene,” she lied, as somewhere in the distance a siren heralded a vehicle approaching. “This so-called man has blood on his hands today officer. It was like he deliberately wanted to take a life such was his wild driving style. Rarely have I seen such disregard for human life.”

For the first time the sergeant seemed unconvinced and, realising this, Bernadette stood to her full height taking him by the hand. The crowd fell silent as she lead him to the back of the car. I followed as best I could so that I would be on hand in case anybody became interested in establishing the truth.

Over the heads that bobbed and snarled an ambulance could now be seen. Six old nags pulled it at moderate speed, flanked by an unofficial escort of scooters; the little Vespas and Piaggios weaving this way and that, ignoring traffic lights with a vengeance. In addition, dozens of young men on horseback were keeping pace admirably, their fine stallions more than a match for the scooters.

In the meantime Bernadette had removed her enormous black hat and was pointing at the rear of the car, staring at the sergeant. He did not immediately understand. Bernadette shook with frustration, as though willing him to notice the exhaust pipes. She composed herself, and then in a voice designed to reach even those at the back said, “Officer, dear sir, see…it runs on petrol…”

The pressure was immense as the onlookers fought to witness this dark twist.

Bernadette was once more on her knees crying into her hands. “What about the children!” she moaned. “The little baby children. Oh sweet baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph. For the love of all that is good, for the sake of humanity protect us, protect us all from this evil.”

The sergeant, clearly moved (as was the crowd which now stood silent) signalled for the paramedic who had arrived moments earlier. The crowd, swollen by the scooter riders and horsemen, looked on as the sergeant ordered the paramedic to apply oxygen to Bernadette.

Gradually, poor Bernadette’s suffering was eased. She clasped the oxygen mask tightly to her face, still pleading for the sake of the children. Once she was in a satisfactory condition, the sergeant knelt beside her. In order to reassure her that he understood, he placed his cheek against hers. People in the crowd also embraced, assuming that the sergeant had finally grasped the implications of what had occurred today; that he understood the full weight of the driver’s crime.

After some moments the sergeant removed the oxygen mask so he could hold Bernadette’s face. Then he nodded, and said, “I understand your pain, I feel it too. For all that is good, for the good of our children, and for the good of their children’s children, for the good of all the children of the world, I will do the right thing. I will right this wrong.”

Somewhere above a bird sang, and the sergeant’s face darkened. “Now my dear Bernadette, if you will excuse me, this I must to do personally,” he said, looking across at the girl sobbing in Bessie’s protective grip.

With his colleague at his elbow the sergeant returned to the front of the car where the driver still stood, trembling. At his signal, the younger officer clamped the driver in heavy handcuffs and held him fast. Then, in accordance with standard practice the sergeant drew his knife and sliced at the driver’s nose until it hung away from his face. There was much blood and tears of pain and pity as he then lead the driver to his horse where he shackled him to the thick leather strapping across its rear haunches.

Avoiding the dung, that now seemed to be everywhere, the sergeant addressed the driver with a solemn, even morbid, look in his eyes. “I mark thee for the sake of humanity, so that we might all have a world to share, to marvel at, for all eternity. You will be taken to the cells where further punishment will be administered. And I warn you to expect no mercy.”

This proclamation was met with approving shouts. The thought of the driver’s suffering sated the crowd’s bloodlust because, however brutal, there had to be justice.

Each officer mounted his horse and, as the people parted to let them through, the driver, who had long since abandoned his earlier protests of innocence, ran behind to avoid being dragged by his chains.

By now the sun was a little lower in the bright blue sky. Some people shuffled off, ready to recount all they had witnessed to their families and friends. I noticed the victim stir, pushing the paramedic away. He shook and rubbed his head and then stood up on the spot where he had passed out some time earlier. Then, completely unharmed, he staggered away to find Nancy who had broken free in the ensuing celebrations and was nowhere to be seen. In the circumstances I decided against offering any further argument. As I made my way back to my office I refused to watch as what remained of the crowd, lead by the tall gentleman, started dismantling the abandoned car.

Belinda’s Marketing Madness

 

Les returned from the bar with two pints of Black Lung and sat across from his old friend who had been trading obscenities with a gang of kids near the fruit machine. “So, your wife’s got over that business with the petty cash yet?”

“They never deserved her mate, she’s well rid of those scheming Arabs. You want to see the payout they offered her, rarely have I felt more bleeding insulted. And all because her boss had a problem with strong women.”

“The police dropped the charges then?”

Keith swallowed half his pint. “It’s only a matter of time. And don’t worry, she’s already got a Tribunal claim up and running.”

“Another? I bet she could represent herself by now. At least she couldn’t do much worse than the lawyers who screwed up her claim against the Post Office.”

“Nah, you’re thinking of her claim against the school. Anyway, her new lawyer reckons we’ve got a better chance this time. Thinks we might win enough wedge for a new caravan.”

“Good for her. After what that school put her through…”

“Damn near broke her heart that did. Educated people are always the cruelest. It’s all a question of being bitter on account of thinking all the time. The kids all loved her though. Well, most of them.”

“I remember you telling me. It’s amazing how the papers got it so wrong and how unfair those teachers were, ganging up on her for no reason. I was telling my wife just the other night how much I admire your Belinda for trying to stand up to them.”

“That means a lot Les, I don’t mind telling you.”

“Is she looking for another job or just concentrating on her legal claims? What with you being laid off things must be tough. And Curly Gaz won’t wait for you to repay that debt forever according to the boys.”

“I’ll be ramming that stinking grand up Curly Gaz’s shit-box now my girl’s dropped on her feet. Just started as head of external marketing strategy for some electronics firm out near the trading estate. Mega bleeding wonga.”

“That’s a step up the ladder…”

“Let me tell you, it’s all about contacts. Luckily her cousin Connor helped us out. You’ll know him, he runs the health and safety courses for Dixons. By the time he’d finished tarting up her CV she could’ve got a job at NASA.”

“Good for her. I mean, where’s the harm? People lie on their CVs all the time from what I’ve read.”

“Don’t get me wrong, there were some awkward moments like when they asked her to bring in her qualifications. I managed to doctor our Vanessa’s GCSE certificate no problem, but coming by A-level certificates, a Degree, an MA and an Advanced Certificate in Professional Sales Management Practice was harder than it sounds. Luckily my Belinda’s clever, told the personnel woman, who already has it in for her by the way, that she’s recently moved house and so can’t find a damn thing. Give it a week or two and they’ll forget all about it like Connor advised us.”

“I like Connor. He was a good friend to our Sarah Jayne.”

“Well, we owe him big time. The only problem is that they’ve got my Belinda working her arse off already. It’s a pressure game see, running external marketing strategies for these multi-billion dollar companies.”

“I don’t know how she does it, I really don’t. I wouldn’t know one end of my qualitative data analysis from my macro-market brand-storming, but that’s why I’m just a mechanic I suppose.”

“Yeah, but Les you aren’t listening to me. They’ve really got her under pressure; it’s that classic ‘taking advantage of the new girl who is a bit too eager to please’ thing.”

“Don’t they reckon it’s best to get stuck in?”

“Mate, are you calling my old girl a slacker?”

“No, it’s just that people like your Belinda thrive on pressure, don’t they? That’s what she’s always telling my Nadine.”

“Your Nadine wouldn’t understand, let’s face facts. This is a serious career opportunity and in some ways it hasn’t got off to the best start…”

“Nadine understands more than you think Keith…”

“They had hardly finished the induction when they dumped this massive pile of paperwork on her. They call it document management in these massive companies. Then they said she had to run a big meeting that afternoon and that the document management had to be finished first and then they made her meet everybody in the office so she was under that much pressure that she didn’t even have time to nip out for a fag. She ended up hiding most of the filing in the photocopier room, which they call the communication suite because the internet stuff and some fax machines are in there. And then she was dragged away to run this big meeting with all the heads of departments and other top brass.”

“So what does ‘running a meeting’ actually mean?”

“Well, you see all that document management she’d hidden? She had been meant to photocopy it all and put it in files, or packs, for the meeting. Apparently they were some important graphs or something. When she phoned me I said, ‘that’s beneath you our Belinda, they wouldn’t even have had you doing that at the school.’”

“No, that probably wouldn’t have been in the job description for serving chips and pizzas…”

“So she was forced to go off and pull the papers out of the back of the photocopier and copy them a hundred times. She’d be the first to admit that she missed out all the pages from the middle, but like I said to her when she phoned me again to let rip a bit more, I said nobody ever gets to the middle of these things, so there’d be no harm in it.”

“Was that wise?”

“Don’t give me one of your lectures Les. You can’t understand what we’ve been going through. You’ve got it easy now your Nadine don’t got to work.”

“Actually, Nadine’s still on compassionate leave. It’s not been six weeks since the accident.”

“Holy mother, do we really have to go over all that again? Yes, it was all very sad, I’m not arguing with you about that, but don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

“It’s not so easy, we still miss out daughter. Every day I think about Sarah Jayne and the fire; how I might have changed things, but…”

“Oh, that reminds me, you’ll never believe what happened next. They wheeled in a load of customers, that they refer to as clients. Only a gang of orientals! Well you’d expect it I suppose, being an electronics outfit. They’re not like us, they think in numbers. So anyway, the pressure was really on. Next thing that happened was our Belinda found herself in charge of sorting out coffee and tea for the whole lot of them. Now this isn’t like boiling a kettle and bunging some Nescafe in a dirty mug like down your sweatshop. Oh no, it’s all big steaming jugs with buttons that you press to get the posh ground coffee out. Connor warned her about this, but it’s impossible to prepare for something like that. So there’s everyone waving their cups at me missus and laughing at her because it was her first day and because she was already doing everybody else’s job and, anyway, it wasn’t her fault, that was what they said, but her hands were shaking on account of not having a fag break and she messed up the tricky lid system and next thing she knew a very small oriental man and three other even smaller oriental men were wiping boiling coffee out of their eyes.”

“How on earth did she manage to do that?”

“Like I said, you need a degree in science to work them lids according to my Belinda.”

“At least it could only get better from there.”

“You’re right. Except that my Belinda hardly had a minute to sort herself out before the big boss comes in and tells her to start what I think they call a power point presentation. Power point! Even Connor hadn’t seen that one coming. Now my Belinda is computer literate, she’s always on the net ordering plates with pictures of Elvis or exotic dogs on them, but this was a different league altogether.”

“There’s a limit to how far a lie can stretch…”

“Belinda reckons they made her stand for ages at the front of the room near a laptop, whilst somebody they’d introduced as a keynote speaker stared at her. Along with about a hundred Rinky Dinks. What was she meant to do? Everybody just sat in silence until the big boss started saying things like, ‘can somebody give her a hand, it’s her first day’ and ‘Bob, can you sit her down and take over, our guests have flights to catch this evening’, that sort of thing. Now my Belinda is a patient old girl, but you can imagine how she reacted to that.”

“Violently?”

“She’d have been well within her rights to, but she’s a proud woman. A perfectionist in many ways. So she sucked it up because she really wanted to make a good impression and then tried to escape discretely. Unfortunately, the woman from IT, who obviously feels threatened, told her to hand out the packs that they’d forced her to make.”

“At least that must have been within Belinda’s skill-set.”

“Les, she did that task perfectly, everyone said so. Even her boss looked happy with her contribution to the meeting. The only problem was that this speaker, who was still stood at the front, asked everyone to turn to page seventeen…”

“But at least Belinda had done her bit and could catch her breath after working so hard at running the meeting.”

“Hardly! That was one of the pages she didn’t copy due to all the pressure. Belinda had no choice but to fake a coughing fit and exit sharpish to get a glass of water from outside somewhere.”

“Well, sometimes running away from a problem can help in the short term. There’s usually somebody else who’ll sort the problem out so the likes of your Belinda don’t have to.”

“It’s the English way, there’s no doubt about it. So, Belinda got out and called me on the mobile to let off a lot of steam. At one point I got my coat to go over there and see if that boss of hers would still be playing the big man with me in his face. Which is when me missus really let rip and and I realised the full extent of how badly they’d been treating her. I told her to nip to the ladies for some privacy so that I could counsel her properly. To be fair, she calmed down quite a bit once she was safely in a cubicle with a fag on the go. The only problem was that she set off all the fire alarms in the entire building. And the sprinklers. All on account of her having a sneaky little fag. On my life I was almost deafened down the phone. Then I heard loads of other people screaming like they thought there was a real fire or something. So I decided that it was probably better to leave the old girl to it.”

“Hmmmmm.”

“What’s with the face Les, don’t you start giving me grief.”

“It brings back some terrible memories Keith, surely even you aren’t that insensitive.”

“What the?…”

“My Sarah Jayne died in a fire, started by somebody who, now I think of it, sounds like she had a lot in common with your wife.”

“You want to watch your mouth.”

Pale with emotion, Les closed his eyes and said, “I am tired.”

And he leaned his head against the fruit machine.